I just can't stand the pain.

the days that we left behind.

ASSALAMUALAIKUM..


dear you,
every each day, i can see you. every each day, i will never fail to look at you. but, why i'm not brave enough to talk to you. i'm not brave enough to come forward and confront with you. what i can do is just look at you from afar and walk away when i see you. i'm not brave enough to see straight into your eyes. am i a coward? 


the laughter, the smiling, and the walk that you make.. every single of them make me remember every each memory that we have before. the memory that we couldn't have again. we can't. and it makes me feel tired and have no desire to stay strong.


the one that got away, honestly from my heart that i let you go. let you go anywhere you want, everywhere you want, and with anyone you want. one word, pain. i can't stand the pain. the pain of losing you. losing someone that used to be my friend, sister, roommate, bestfriend, assistant, advisor, and partner. someone that i can share problems with. someone that i can mad towards. yes you are.


with all my heart, i can't forget you but as you ask me to, only then i do. and now i'm trying to forget you. seriously, it's a hard task to fulfill.


every single morning, it's hard for me to make a move. make a move to class since your room is on a same level as mine. every single morning, i wish that i will not see you. but, what i can do is.. i have to be brave enough to make a new step. i will and must see you. with no intention to do that, but i have to. i have to see you, and what can i do if i walk in front of you is..


act like i never befriend with you.
act like i never know you before.
act like i can't see you.
act like we never close before.
act like what you ask me to do.
act like what you wish to.


dear Emey and Adyn, i will never forget you even you ask me to do that. but, sincerely from bottom of my heart, i will not disturb or interrupt every each second of your life again. thanks for a memorable time that we have spent for 2 last semester. thanks for each moment that we have in Kuantan - Taman Gelora, Berjaya Megamall, East Coast Mall, and Teluk Chempedak. the nights that we have spent overnight together. the days that we have spent at Kluang, Johor. it is priceless. no money could pay for it.


we have a lot of plans that we make for three. but, we fail to make it into a real one. sorry for that. sorry for leaving you before we can do it. if the 'happy ever after' did exist. i wish i can hold your hands tightly and never let go.


i can't be a selfish person to ask you to don't walk away from me. don't ever make a move to leave me. it's all because, everything has changed. totally changed. it's not easy to forget someone that used to be together with us. so, gimme some times to learn to forget you. it seems like i need a lot of time. sorry for the inconvenience.


nota kaki: sorry for the names that have been mentioned. honestly, bukan senang nak jalan depan korang then buat macam memang tak kenal dari awal. bukan senang nak pandang lain bila terang2 korang jalan depan aku. bukan senang nak buat2 cakap ngan orang lain bila aku nampak korang. aku memang bodoh kan buat entry ney then reveal aku punya weakness. no any other niat for this very own entry. just nak luahkan apa yang tak terluah. nothing much to spread. nothing much to show-off. enough is enough for the time being.

The hope has gone away.

once i heard this song, i definitely just thinking about you. who are 'you'? there's someone out there that very important and very close to me before. we used to talk, laugh, study and chill-out together. but we fail to do that kinda things anymore. why?

Holes Inside by Joe Brooks.


When all that you've tried, leaves nothing but holes inside, 
It seems like you're wired, to stay here held in time, 
Cos nothing seems to change, oh no.
No nothing's gonna change, at all.
I can see it in your face, the hope has gone away.

If you hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light.
Oh cos sometimes, fate and your dreams will collide.
So don't walk away from me, 
Don't walk away from me, 
Don't walk away from me.

Your feet are stuck, no they cannot move, 
Don't tell me that they're glued, 
They should've far from.
At home, at ease but give sometime to breathe

But nothing seems to change, oh no.
No nothing's gonna change, at all.
I can see it in your face, the hope has gone away.

But if you hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light.
Oh cos sometimes, fate and your dreams will collide.
So don't walk away from me, 
Don't walk away from me, 
Don't walk away from me.

That everthing will be ok, 
I know that it's so easy to say, 
But the pain inside will fade, 
Please tell me that you'll stay.

If we hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light.
Oh cos sometimes, fate and your dreams can collide.
When all that you've tried, leaves nothing but holes inside.

short-note:

 for 'someone' that dearly important in my life, please don't walk away from me. the lyrics are all true.

aku membebel lagi.

ASSALAMUALAIKUM..


5:45PM.
aku tiba-tiba terfikir, kenapa kalau kita marah kita akan cakap semua benda yang tak patut. semua benda yang patut kita diam. semua benda yang menyakitkan hati orang. semua benda yang tak proper. kenapa? aku kalau marah, aku akan banyak tweet kat twitter. aku buat twitter tu macam aku yang punya. TL penuh ngan tweet aku jer. sampai semua orang pun akan naik cemuih or annoying ngan aku. kenapa perlu isi tweet pun tak senonoh? kenapa?


bila aku pandang dinding depan, baru aku tawu jawapan yang ikhlas lagi fakta. aku nak cakap ngan sape? aku nak share apa aku rasa ngan sape? aku nak jumpa sape untuk voice-out masalah aku? aku nak call sape? aku nak text sape? sape? sape?


banyak phone number dalam phone, tapi bila tiba waktu bermasalah. number yang banyak nampak sikit. tak semua kawan boleh tahan dengan apa yang kita nak cakap. tak semua kawan leh tahan dengar apa kita nak story. banyak lagi benda lain yang best-best dia boleh buat dari dengar masalah bodoh kita. atau aku salah menilai?


semua orang akan cakap, 
'you may talk to me dear, i always be there for you' 
..dan aku rasa lega bila dengar. 


atau ayat ini..
'ada masalah ker? share lah ngan aku. just cakap jer ngan aku  bila-bila kau suka, aku leh dengar' 


..but, is it great enough to just say that? bukan nak salahkan or apa. tapi bila datang pada perkara yang macam ney. ada ker orang yg tengah serabut nak datang cakap 'aku nak ngadu something ngan kau' atau 'hari tu kau cakap aku boleh cakap ngan kau kan bila aku ada masalah' ..ada ker? ada ker orang yang macam tu bila dia ada masalah.


susah bila kita nak cakap even sepatah. susah nak cakap untuk bagitawu yang 'aku tak okay' bila kita tengah tak okay. lagi-lagi bila kita ney pendiam. aku mungkin banyak cakap or very talkative bila ngan orang. tapi percayakah anda-anda yang orang macam ney sebenarnya sangat pendiam bila tiba pada masalah.


aku lagi suka sit alone, listening to the sad song, tempat sunyi tanpa sorang pun manusia. cakap sorang-sorang then tengok sekeliling. aku suka macam tu dari pergi tempat ramai orang then sakit kepala tengok orang sekeliling yang tak tentu arah. buat aku lagi tak senang hati.


bila marah datang, kadang-kadang mak aku pun jadi tempat aku marah. so aku akan elakkan call mak aku bila aku tengah bad mood. kalau aku termarah? okay, i will take a few hours before i call her back and seek for her apologize. dan mak aku akan alihkan topik. macam mak aku tak suka bila aku mintak maaf. sebab apa? err aku pun tak tawu. segan eyy mak. hehe. buat sweet pulak. haha, cuwid cangat. *gila*


so the solution is aku selalu update tweet untuk elakkan dari cakap membabi buta in a real life. ade orang cakap.. 'twitter aku penuh ngan tweet dia jer' ..'nak kumpul tweet lar tu' ..dan aku tak pernah kisah bila kau cakap macam tu. sebab aku ada reason tersendiri. 

'i have no one to talk to' 

'i just don't want to burden others'

and you're answered me with the sentences of ...

'you have many friends to talk with'

..dan aku bold-kan disini bahawa bukan semua kawan itu boleh kita selesa nak cakap just in a blink of the eyes. it takes time to have one. kita tak boleh walk through all friends then just grab one untuk jadi listener kita. macam tak adil bagi dia bila dia dipilih. terpaksa dengar kita merepek merapu. dan aku memang jenis yang susah nak share problem, sebab aku tak pandai nak cakap macam mana. aku just akan rasa benda tu akan jadi burden untuk orang lain yang dengar problem aku sedangkan orang lain pun ada benda yang lagi penting untuk dia buat selain melayan masalah picisan aku. so apa kata kau ..?


so nilai orang guna mata hati. buka mata kaki.


nota kaki: warm welcoming wish for August :)